


When it's real

by evakayaki



Series: Just a Four Letter Word [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Evan Bech Næsheim/Sonja
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 06:54:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19204177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakayaki/pseuds/evakayaki
Summary: Sonja doesn’t really know why she thought this was such a good idea. The urge came after a conversation she had with Even about her place in his life now that they were no longer together. Even wanted them to remain in each other’s lives becauseyou were my best friend once, Sonja, and I don’t want to loose that. So here, she sat waiting for the one person she dreaded.Or Sonja and Isak finally have an honest conversation. Takes place within the Four Letter Word verse. Can be read as a standalone.





	When it's real

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Reference to past suicide attempt.

Sonja doesn’t really know why she thought this was such a good idea. The urge came after a conversation she had with Even about her place in his life now that they were no longer together. Even wanted them to remain in each other’s lives because _you were my best friend once, Sonja, and I don’t want to loose that_. So here, she sat waiting for the one person she dreaded. 

She kept a visual on the door and then there he was. He wasn’t wearing his typical cap, letting his blonde hair fall into soft curls all over his head. She had to admit, he was really kind of adorable. But she also reminded herself he was only seventeen. 

“Halla,” he greeted her quietly slipping into the chair opposite of her. She could tell he was on edge the way he kept playing with the sleeve of his hoodie. No not his hoodie. She recognized it as Even’s. The one his mamma got him for Christmas a few years ago. It hung off Isak a little too big and bunched up at the arm pits. 

“Halla,” she pushed a menu across the table to him. “Are you hungry? I’ll get it.”

“Nah, I’m okay. We’re going to dinner later,” He scratched the back of his head. 

It wasn’t lost on Sonja that Isak was referring to him and Even as _we_. Of course he would. They were a couple. “Okay,” She nodded. 

“So, uh, why did you want to meet me here?” She knew he was confused as to why she picked this place that was a good forty minutes away from Nissen. 

She took a sip of her water. “I figured this was a good place to talk.” She had picked the place as a neutral spot. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Isak was wringing his hands on the table. 

She cleared his throat, “I wanted to clear the air between us. I know...I know we...you probably think I’m this horrible person. Fuck knows what Even’s told you.”

Isak looked down at the table top, “He said he loved you. Still loves you as a friend.”

“Friend. Hmmm,” She sighed, “Did you know we met when we were thirteen?” At Isak’s confused look she went on. “We started dating at fifteen.”

“Oh.” She could tell Isak didn’t know what to say or where she was going with this. 

“We were each other’s first everything. I thought we were forever. We were inseparable at first. I remember thinking that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.” She paused, “We had a pregnancy scare once. And he was just so caring and gentle with me that I fell in love with him in those few terrifying days.”

She watched Isak flinch at the mention of pregnancy and love. 

“Why are you telling me this?” He asked softly. 

“Let me just finish this,” It wasn’t a direct answer to his question, but she pressed on regardless. “Things were great for a long time until...they just weren’t.”

She paused. “He started acting weird. Posting things on Facebook that were scary. When we’d have sex it was like he was trying to prove something, as if I were just there for him to fuck. He was so hyper, as if he was going to combust if he didn’t do something. He tried to charge 30000 kr to his mom’s credit card for a down payment on an apartment in America. He’d paint and sketch a lot. Things that didn’t make sense. He’d write me letters full of half finished sentences. Then about three days later it all stopped and that’s when he...his dad found him. He had taken handfuls of all the pills he could find in his house. That’s how he finally got diagnosed as bipolar.”

Isak swallowed, trying to take in the information. 

“I know you think you can handle him, but it can be a lot. Especially when he stops taking his meds. And he will.”

Nodding, Isak forced himself to look at her. 

“You can’t...you can’t love this away. I tried. I thought if I just loved him enough. If I just showed him how much I loved him. If he could just feel my love. I thought I could make him better,” Sonja closed her eyes tightly for a second. “And you can’t. You can only love him through it.”

“H-how do you know when it’s real?” Isak asked timidly, the one question he’d been terrified of. 

Sonja smiled sadly at him, “It’s all real. Manic, depressive, or not, it’s all still Even. He may not remember everything he did while manic, but it’s him and his feelings.”

“I’m just so scared all the time,” Isak admitted. 

“I know,” Sonja agreed. “But you have to trust and know it’s not just all on you. That his episodes are not your fault. It’s just how his brain works.” 

She paused and hesitated, “You have to know it can get really bad. Worse than you’ve seen. And I’m not saying this because of ulterior motives. I’m saying this because when it’s all over, when he’s come back to himself, you’ll have to help him pick up the pieces of the mess he’s made.”

Isak nodded, “I’m...I don’t want to make things worse for him.”

“You may,” Sonja said honestly, “And that’s alright. Me, his parents, we’ve all done or said something that will set him off. All you can do is hang on.”

“I love him and I just want him to stop hurting,” Isak admitted, tugging at his sleeves. 

Sonja smiled at him before turning serious, “Isak, I came here with the intention of telling you to leave him alone. That he deserved someone better. Someone older. Someone who could take care of him properly. You were just some seventeen year old kid.”

Isak remained silent, waiting for her to continue. 

“And now, shit...you love him, don’t you?” Her laugh was flat. 

“I do,” Isak’s voice was strong, sure.

Sonja sighed, “I know you may not believe me, but I just want him to find someone he can belong to. For so long I thought we belonged to each other. And now...now I see he was never mine. Not really. He was always going to be yours.”

“I’m sorry,” Isak didn’t know what else to say. 

“I know. But it’s not your fault. I think I held onto him so tightly because I was afraid that if I didn’t, I’d slip away,” Isak watched her wipe a tear from her eye. “I don’t know how to do this without him. Things weren’t good, but he was always there. No matter how horrible our relationship got, I knew that if I called him, he’d come and just hold me in his arms.” She admitted quietly. 

“The safest place on Earth,” Isak whispered, not meaning to say it out loud. 

“Yeah,” Sonja agreed. 

“I’m sorry,” Isak said for the second time. “I’m sorry you got hurt.”

Sonja took a deep breath, “I know...it’s just hard to know that we won’t be in each other’s lives any more.”

“I...I don’t think he wants that,” Isak admitted.

“I know, but right now it’s what I need,” She tucked a blonde lock behind her ear. 

Isak nodded, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for any pain I caused you.”

Sonja stood up, “One last piece of advice? Be happy.” 

“Sonja?” Isak stood up too. “Can I...can I give you a hug?”

She nodded tentatively and she took a step and wrapped her arms around him. 

“Thank you,” Isak whispered. 

Sonja was the first to let go, “Goodbye Isak.”

Isak nodded. There were no words he could say to take away her hurt. So he didn’t. Just watched her walk away, hoping one day Even could have her in his life again.


End file.
